i 1 j

Gayla

A cold, sleety rain was falling that day. Everyone in Manhattan, including me, was trying to flag down a cab. I stepped off the curb and into the street as far as was possible without getting run over. After five minutes of frantic waving, a black SUV sped past, spattering me with muddy water. Not an auspicious beginning to the day.

I decided to walk, which made me late for the dentist and every other appointment I’d scheduled that morning. Skipping lunch helped make up some of the lost time but did nothing to improve my spirits. As I was heading back to the apartment for my two o’clock phone conference, I decided  to take a detour down West Twenty- fifth Street so I could walk past The City Quilter, thinking that might cheer me up.

If you want to buy silk, organza, or charmeuse, you can find yards upon yards of it in shops that cater to the wholesale design and garment  trade. But plain old fabric, the kind people use to make quilts, is hard to find in Manhattan. I don’t know of another shop in the city that sells only cotton fabric, let alone caters exclusively to quilters.

Now, let me say this up  front: I don’t sew. I can barely even thread a needle. But if I’m anywhere near West Twenty-fifth, I always find an excuse to walk past  this  shop. I just love looking through the window at all that gorgeous fabric—florals, checks, plaids, polka dots, abstracts, geometrics, and pastoral prints with landscapes, animals, and birds, as well as edgy urban designs of cityscapes, taxicabs, even maps of the subway. It always makes me wish that I’d spent a little more of my youth bolstering my creative side. Assuming I have one, which seems doubtful.

I’ve never ventured through the door of The City Quilter. What would be the point? But that day I spotted this fabulous red paisley in the back left corner of the display. It was the exact color of the sweater Brian bought in Italy right after we were married. He wore it until it was threadbare. I was thinking about going inside to get a closer look when my phone rang.

Lanie was calling. She didn’t wait for me to say hello or offer a greeting herself, just started  talking, assuming I’d be interested in whatever she had to say, which is usually true.

“You will not believe this, Gayla. I’m at the consignment shop, and I’ve found the most stunning vintage mink coat. Stunning! Princess cut, enormous collar, perfect condition, with stripes of— wait for it—lunaraine and platinum—”

“Lunaraine and platinum?”

“Lunaraine and platinum,” she said again, as if repeating the words were the same as defining them. “Brown and white. The coat has a vertical pattern of brown and white mink pelts. Exquisite! And they’re only asking seventeen hundred—a bargain. It’s too small for me, but you must have it! You must!”

Lanie has adopted a pattern of speech, not entirely uncommon among New Yorkers, that places emphasis on certain words, transforming them into selling points. It’s the vocabulary and cadence of a woman who knows how to close the deal, which is exactly what Lanie is and why she’s made such a success in real estate. But today, I wasn’t buying.

“Lanie, where would I ever wear a mink coat?”

“To the opera, the ballet. The A&P. Anywhere you want. It’s New York!”

“I don’t think so. I couldn’t stand the idea of animals dying just so I can go to the A&P looking stunning.”

“They died back in the seventies, so what do you care? It’s vintage! Oh, never mind,” she said after a moment, realizing she was getting nowhere.

That’s another reason  Lanie is so successful: When her arguments fail to convince, she lets go and moves on. Sometimes.

“Where are you?”

“Standing outside a fabric store. What if I made Brian a quilt for his birthday?”

“Oh, please,” she groaned. I could almost hear her eyes rolling. “What? Brian’s birthday is just a couple of months off. Don’t you think he might like something I made myself?” Lanie groaned again.

“No. I do not think your husband would like a quilt for his birthday. No man wants a quilt for his birthday.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I’ve been married three times. I am an expert on men. And I’m telling you, no middle-aged man wants a quilt for his birthday. What a man in his late forties wants is a sports car, or tickets to a playoff game, or lingerie—basically the same things he wanted in his late twenties or his late teens—the three ‘Ss’: speed, sports, and sex. Emphasis  on  the  third  ‘S.’ Men  aren’t complicated, Gayla. They don’t change that much.”

“No?” I said with a smile, still holding the phone to my ear as I gazed at a blue, white, and gray quilt that hung on a wall near the checkout counter,  wondering how long it took to make something like that. “Then why have you been married three times?”

“Because women do change. At least I did. And because of that third ‘S.’ And because men are all the same.”

“Not all men,” I said.

“Not all,” she conceded. “You got the last good one. Brian is too sweet to cheat. Or maybe he’s just too British. Adultery is so impolite, don’t you think?”

“Uh-huh,” I agreed absently. “Utterly déclassé.”

“And beneath the dignity of a viscount.”

“Except Brian’s not a viscount,” I corrected. “Second sons don’t count, remember?  Especially second sons who run off and marry Americans.”

I frowned. “Fourth  husband? Is there trouble in paradise?” Lanie has always had a thick skin, and as the years have passed it’s only gotten thicker. Sometimes I can’t tell if she’s teasing or if she’s serious. Sometimes I’m not sure she can either.

“No, Roger’s a doll. But it pays to be prepared. And anyway, I think I’d make a terrific Countess of Something or Other. Or even better, Dowager Countess—like Maggie Smith in Downton Abbey. So old and opinionated and rich that nobody can dare tell me off.”

“But aren’t you all that now?”

“You are hilarious,” Lanie replied flatly. “Anyway, tell Brian to keep an eye out for an old earl with a bad cough. After all, he owes me. If I hadn’t convinced you to take that semester abroad, the two of you might never have met.”

“And we’d probably still be living in a teeny-weeny one-bedroom walk-up. And Maggie would have had to elope. Who besides you could have gotten us into the Central Park Boathouse for the reception? And with only three months’ notice?”

“What can I say?” Lanie said with a sigh, as if honesty would not allow her to deny it. “When you’re in the fairy godmother business . . . So how is our little princess? Still in love with her prince?”

“Madly.”

“Well, she’d have to be to follow him to North  Carolina. I still can’t understand why they didn’t move to New York.”

“Because Jason’s dad offered him a good job and because Manhattan is too expensive for a young couple starting out.”

“Expensive,” Lanie countered,  “but not too expensive. You and Brian managed. Nate managed when he lived here.”

“Yes, but my darling son doesn’t care where he lives, as long as it has Wi-Fi. He’s too busy studying to care. You should see the picture he sent of his apartment in Edinburgh; it’s one step up from a garret. Reminds me of our first apartment. Brian and I were even younger and more starry-eyed than Maggie and Jason when we got married. We thought we could live on love and ramen noodles.”

“I remember,” Lanie said. “You were nauseatingly precious as newlyweds. Thank heaven you got over that.”

“Vintage dead animal skins.”

“Vintage dead animal skins . . . was there any reason you called?”

“Just to tell you about the coat and to make sure we’re still on for tonight.”

“Of course we are. Have I ever missed our Friday night drink?”

“Just  checking. I’ll see you later, then. Kiss-kiss. And Gayla? Promise me you will not make Brian a quilt for his birthday.”

I sighed. Lanie could be such a nag sometimes.

“It was just a whim. I wasn’t serious.”

“Good.”

She rang off as abruptly as she’d rung up, but  that  was just Lanie’s way; I was used to it.

I stuffed the phone into my bag and started walking east, but after about ten steps, I turned around, pressed the buzzer on the door to The City Quilter, waited for the answering buzz that signaled  the release of the lock, and went inside. The girl at the counter was a lot younger and hipper than I figured somebody working in a quilt shop would be.

“This is a beautiful red,” she said as she plunked the bolt onto the counter. “Just came in. How many yards do you want?”

“Umm . . . two?”

She unrolled the fabric from the bolt and sliced through it with something that looked like a huge pizza cutter. “What are you planning to make with it?”

“No idea,” I admitted as I handed over my credit card. “I just . . . I just wanted it.”

She nodded as she folded the fabric and slipped it into a white plastic bag. “We get a lot of that,” she said.

Feeling inexplicably pleased after purchasing two yards of red fabric I had no use for, I continued on my way, jogging the last five blocks and getting home just in time for my phone appointment with Sandy Tolland. Things were looking up.

Sandy hadn’t set an agenda when she texted that morning, asking if we could talk, but she didn’t have to. I already knew what we’d be discussing.

I am an educational consultant, a kind of college admissions counselor for hire. I went into private practice almost six years ago, after years working as a guidance counselor in public schools.

Every kid I work with is an individual, but the parents are pretty similar. Maybe one in twenty approaches the process with an open mind, but most arrive with a very set agenda. Some have their hearts set on the Ivy League. Others have decided up front that their child should pursue one particular program of study in one particular field and that one particular college is the only place to do it. Still others are focused on the school that they and the members of their clan have attended since the founding of the republic.

Families come to me because they want their child to get into the “best” school. My job is to help them find and gain entrance to the right school, the one that lines up with the student’s interests, personality, learning style, abilities, and goals. Kids latch on to the idea pretty quickly, but some of the parents, like Sandy, can take longer. You have to let them talk it out. But that’s all right; I’m a good listener. I’m also good at stealth typing, another useful skill to have in my line of work.

In case you’re not aware, stealth typing is the ability to hold a telephone conversation while simultaneously shopping online, answering email, or editing a personal essay so quietly that the speaker on the other end of the line has no idea what the listener is doing or that they don’t have her complete attention.

I am a virtuoso stealth typist. And I should be; I get a lot of practice.

I shifted the phone to a more comfortable spot on my shoulder and opened the browser on my computer.

“Sandy, I told you from day one that Yale wasn’t a realistic option for Emily, not with her SAT scores and a B-plus average. St. Michael’s is a good match for her. She’ll do well there, and she’ll be happy.”

“Karen  Wittenauer’s  daughter got accepted to Smith.”  She sniffed. “Why couldn’t Emily do well and be happy there?”

Keeping my fingers flat to prevent my nails from clicking against the keys, I typed the name of my favorite travel site into the address bar of my laptop and hit enter.

“No gymnastics,” I said. “And no boys.”

Sandy didn’t argue. She knew that a school with no boys was a no-go for Emily.

“What about Brown? I heard it’s an easier admission than some of the Ivies. Ray and Camilla Rossman’s son, Chas, got in, and he’s not nearly as . . .”

While Sandy listed all the august institutions of higher learning that the children of her friends had been accepted to, I closed a pop-up ad for time-shares in Florida and fought back the urge to sigh. Oh, the weight of parental expectations. Sandy would have gotten on great with my mother.

While Sandy talked through a list of second-tier but decidedly name-brand colleges on the Eastern Seaboard, I delivered short, to- the-point responses as to why each of these places was wrong for Emily, pinned new pictures to my Pinterest  boards,  and tidied my workspace. I’m a big believer in the value of multitasking.

I reached up to the wall over my desk and straightened a photo of Brian and me on our honeymoon in Italy, standing in the bow of the barge with his arm over my shoulders and my head resting against his chest. We’re holding glasses of Barolo and peering at the camera with satisfied, slightly sleepy smiles. We’d just come up from below, where, about an hour before, assuming I’m doing the math right, we had conceived Maggie and Nate.

We were so young. And good-looking. Brian especially. I still miss his long hair. And Italy. We should go back there someday.

Scanning through a couple of my favorite blogs, I found a photo of an old-world-looking kitchen with stone walls occupied by a woman in a chef’s apron and two handsome, fortyish-looking couples who were eating bruschetta and toasting each other with big glasses of white wine and pinned it to my “Traveling Light” Pinterest board, still semilistening as Sandy Tolland wondered what she was supposed to tell her friends whose children did get into the Ivies when they said they’d never heard of St. Michael’s.

“Tell them it’s a little gem of a school in the Midwest with a gorgeous campus modeled on Magdalen College in Oxford, small classes, a first-rate undergraduate psychology department, and a fabulous study-abroad program, and that the gymnastics coach is very excited about Emily. Tell them that you and Mark considered a number of colleges, including many in the East, but came to the conclusion that St. Michael’s was the best fit for Emily. Tell them that you decided  that your daughter’s happiness was more important than being able to brag about getting her into the Ivy League.”

“Yeah,” Sandy replied in a scoffing tone. “Because they’re really going to believe that.”

Sandy laughed, and I did, too, but I knew that at least part of her was dead serious.

I liked Sandy. I liked most of the parents I work with, but sometimes . . . well, you just have to wonder. Considering all the problems that teenagers can have and all the trouble  they can get into, why isn’t it enough for Sandy to have a bright, pleasant, athletic, above-average daughter? Why are so few of my clients content with that? And when did getting a child into the “best” college get to be a competition among the parents?

When? At about the time people like me figured out people like Sandy would pay good money to anyone who could help their children receive fat envelopes from the small list of prestigious schools that will impress their friends and validate them as parents. I went into this line of work because I wanted to help kids and their families keep their priorities straight, to avoid making the same kinds of mistakes I made, but  it’s gotten all turned around. Somehow I’ve become part of the problem.

“What about Skidmore?” Sandy asked. “Do  you think she’ll clear the wait list?”

“Why would you want her to? We always meant Skidmore as a backup option, remember?  It’s a perfectly good school, but not as good a match for Emily’s personality or interests.  And they don’t have a gymnastics team.”

“I know, but at least people have heard of it.”

I closed my eyes and quietly pounded my head on the padded headrest of my desk chair. The only thing you can do with clients like Sandy is let them talk it out. She’d come around.  But I hoped she wouldn’t take too long. I had to meet Lanie at the Monkey Bar at four forty-five and pick Brian up from JFK at seven-thirty. Wait. Was I supposed  to pick him up at seven-thirty? Or was it seven? I pulled a Post-it out of the dispenser and scribbled myself a reminder to call Emily at the corporate travel agency and confirm Brian’s arrival time. Then I closed Pinterest and opened the word-processing program, thinking I might as well edit a couple of essays while Sandy talked.

But somehow instead of opening my files, I ended up opening Brian’s, and when I tried to get out of that folder, the screen froze. I tried hitting escape, but it didn’t help. I just got that spinning color wheel, the one that appears when the computer is loading, thinking, or simply mocking you. After a minute, I started hitting random keys quickly and repeatedly, growing more frustrated by the second, not caring where my commands took me as long as it was far from the rainbow rotations of that stupid wheel.

If I’d realized what wasgoing to happen next, I might have thought twice before I started smacking those keys.

The wheel stopped spinning as suddenly as it started, and a series of documents, written by Brian, popped up on the screen in quick succession. The fourth one, the final one, a memo, dated July 2012, was written to me.

Subject: Facing Facts

Gayla, I’m sure it will come as no surprise when I tell you I am unhappy in our marriage. It’s obvious that you are as well and have been for some time.

We were so young and married so quickly, without a true appreciation of how much our personalities and expectations of life differed, that perhaps our growing apart was inevitable. In any case, I don’t think there is any point in casting aspersions or placing blame, but I think it is time we faced the facts about our marriage and moved on with our lives.

Before you ask: There is no one else. I did have a very brief affair with someone from work—we  met only three times over a two-week period—but I was not and am not in love with her and have ended the relationship. I am ashamed to have treated you and the woman in question so badly. Though I make no excuse for my conduct, I am very sorry for and deeply regret my actions.

However, that episode forced me to take a good long look at my life and myself. I didn’t like what I saw. I realized that, as Nate would say, “I don’t want to be that guy.”

I don’t want to be a man who cheats, lies, or feigns affection for you or anyone else. Though I do think that, in the beginning, we were very much in love—at least I was; I won’t presume to speak for you— those feelings have obviously faded. This being the case, if our marriage continues on its current course, I don’t see how I can keep from becoming “that guy.”

The long and short of it is: I am lonely. I want to love someone and be loved in return. For a short time, when we first bought the cottage, I felt there was a chance of us reviving what we used to feel for each other, but it soon became clear that this was wishful thinking on my part. And so, to avoid any further indiscretions, lies, or betrayal, as well as to give ourselves the possibility of finding real love (I’m sure you long for this as much as I do), I think we should admit defeat and consider divorce.

I anticipate that we shall end this amicably; after all, we’re both grown-ups and since we’re finally out of debt and your business is doing well, this shouldn’t cause any serious financial hardship for either of us.

Now that the children are grown and gone—you did a marvelous job raising them, Gayla—it probably makes no sense to delay further. Still, I don’t want to cast a pall on the wedding, so I’ll wait a few weeks before sending this to you.

Once Maggie and Jason return from their honeymoon  and have made the move to Charlotte, you and I can sit down together and figure out what we’re going to say to the children and how to proceed from here. We can retain attorneys, if you’d like, but I think going to arbitration would be a less expensive and more direct route.

As I said, we can discuss. Perhaps early September would be a good time?

Divorce? He wanted a divorce?

And he’d written me a memo about it?

I read the whole thing again. “Oh my God . . .”

It was real. It was exactly what it appeared to be. Brian wanted to divorce me.

Sandy, whose voice had become a white whir in my ears, finally stopped  talking. “Gayla, are you all right?”

“No. I mean . . . yes.” I closed my eyes, trying to steady myself. “I’m just not feeling very well. Could I call you back later?”

“There’s no rush,”  she said in an uncharacteristically patient voice. “Tomorrow is fine. Are you sure you’re all right? You don’t sound like yourself. Something you ate?”

“Probably. I’ve got to go. Tell Emily I said hello.”

“I will. And listen, Gayla, about Skidmore—”

I didn’t wait for her to finish. I couldn’t. I hung up the phone, ran down the hall to the bathroom, and threw up.

i 2 j

Ivy Peterman

Turning on your computer in the morning and finding the “black screen of death” instead of the essay that you stayed up to the wee hours writing is usually a pretty good indication of how the rest of your day is going to go.

“No,” I declared in my most authoritative tone, the one I use to let the kids know that I have had about all I can take and that if they try to push me further, they do so at their peril. “You are not doing this to me. Not today. Boot up,” I demanded, stabbing various combinations of buttons on the keyboard. “Do it now.”

Nothing. Damn.

“Bethany!”  I shouted. “Can you help me? I can’t get the computer to turn on!”

It’s kind of humiliating that I have to call on my eleven-year-old for tech support. I’m only thirty;  I grew up in the digital age. I should understand these things. But I also grew up in a poor school district with no computers, ran away from home when I was sixteen, got pregnant at eighteen, married the same year, had another baby at twenty-two, ran away again at twenty-four, taking the kids but leaving my abusive husband, and spent months on the run before landing in New Bern and finally freeing myself of the abusive husband.

In the midst of all that, I missed a few things, skipped a few steps. But I’m doing my best to make up for lost time.

Bethany, who was in the bathroom, shouted back, but I couldn’t make out what she was saying. I hissed at the black-screened computer, gave it an evil glare, and went in search of my daughter, only to be met by Bobby, my seven-year-old, who almost ran me down in the hallway.

“Mommy? I need twenty-two empty toilet-paper rolls.”

“Today?”

He bobbed his head. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, that spot where my headaches always start. This was not going to be a good day. Definitely not. I did an about-face  and headed for the garage with Bobby trailing behind.

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” I asked as I pried the top off the plastic bin where I keep empty toilet and paper towel rolls, egg cartons, and oatmeal boxes—the  stuff of which elementary school art projects are made.

“I forgot.”

Of course he did.

Bobby is my baby, so sweet you could spread him on toast. He’s also the most forgetful child on the face of the earth. Seriously. He forgets to take his lunch and bring home his spelling words. He forgets to brush his teeth, wear underwear, and turn off the faucet. Also to take the plug out of the drain, which can be a problem.

Bethany wasn’t like this when she was seven. Of course, Bethany grew up fast. She had to. I still feel bad about that, but I’m doing the best I can, trying to make up for lost time.

I dug through  the bin, counting cardboard toilet-paper tubes. “We’ve only got twelve.”

Bobby’s eyes went  wide. “But I need twenty-two! I was supposed to bring them on Wednesday but I forgot! Mrs. Oneglia said if I didn’t bring them today I’d have to stay in at recess. What am I going to do?”

“I guess you’re going to stay in at recess,” I said, snapping the lid back onto the bin.

“Couldn’t you go to the store and—”

“Bobby. I am not buying ten rolls of bathroom tissue and pulling the paper off them just so you can have the empty tubes. I’m sorry, Bear, but you’re just going to have to man up and face the music this time.”

Bobby’s eyes filled. I felt terrible, but I have to start being a little tougher on Bobby. It’s not easy. Every time I look at his face, I remember that happy, chubby-cheeked toddler wearing that knitted brown hat with the teddy bear ears on the top, the hat that spawned his nickname, Bobby Bear—Bear for short—and  I just want to squeeze him.

I’ve babied him too much, I know. I guess I just wanted him to have an easier time of it than Bethany. She doesn’t like to talk about it, but she remembers how it was living with her dad. She saw him hit me, felt my fear, remembers the day he hit her too. She remembers running, living in shelters and the car, afraid that he’d find us one day, afraid of what would happen when he did.

Bobby doesn’t. He was only eighteen months old when we ran. Bobby is carefree, happy-go-lucky, and I’ve wanted to keep him that way. Maybe a little too much.

“Honey, you’ve got to start planning ahead. Maybe staying in at recess will help you remember to do that next time.”

Bobby sniffled and swiped at his nose with the back of his hand. Little boys can be so icky.

“Okay,” he mumbled and trudged off, shoulders drooping. Poor baby.

“Wash your hands!” I called to him before resuming the search for my daughter.

“Bethany,” I said when I found her, standing in the kitchen, staring at the toaster. “The computer  won’t boot up. I’ve got to print out my paper before class tonight. Can you fix it?”

The toaster dinged, and a pastry popped out of the slot. Bethany grabbed it. “Can’t. There’s an early rehearsal for the spelling bee.”

“For a spelling bee? What’s to rehearse?”

Bethany pulled a paper towel off the roll and wrapped the breakfast pastry in it. “I don’t know. Mr. Zwicker said that all the finalists have to be there, or we don’t get to spell. You’re coming, aren’t you? It’s at two-thirty.”

“Of course,” I said. Truthfully, I’d forgotten about it, but I knew that Evelyn, my boss, would be fine with me taking off an hour. That’s one of the nice things about working in a quilt shop. The money isn’t great, but Evelyn understands how hard it is to combine work and motherhood.

“That’s not all you’re eating for breakfast, is it?”

“No time,” she said, and slipped her backpack onto her shoulders. “And there’s nothing in the fridge anyway.”

I tore a banana from the bunch sitting on the counter.  “Here. Take this with you. What am I going to do about the computer? My paper is due tonight. I was up until two finishing it. When I turned on the computer, it flashed for a second and then—”

“Mommy,” she said in her best teen-in-training, “adults are idiots” tone. “Did you save the document?”

“Yes, right before I shut down.”

“Then you’re fine. Just get into the Cloud when you get to work.”

“The Cloud?”

“It’s this big, shared memory that lets you access your documents from any computer and backs everything up automatically. Drew installed it a couple of weeks ago, remember? Never mind,” she sighed, realizing I had no clue what she meant. She grabbed  a scrap of paper and a pen from the junk drawer and scribbled out a chain of letters. “Just go to this address, log in with this username and this password, look in the file, find your paper, and print it out.”

“Thanks, Bethy.”

Bringing the banana that she’d left on the table, probably intentionally, I walked her to the door and kissed her good-bye. When I went into the living room,  Bobby was sitting cross-legged on the floor, watching television.

“I washed my hands!” he announced.

“Thank you. That’s very—”

I stopped and tipped my head to the side, hearing the sound of rushing water. By the time I ran into the hallway, water had breached the bathroom door and was beginning to pool on the wooden floor.

“Bobby!”

Not a good day. Not at all.

i 3 j

Gayla

After rinsing out my mouth and spending half an hour pacing around the apartment like a caged animal in a zoo, circling walls that pressed tooclose, I grabbed my keys and purse and left, unable to endure one more minute trapped in those rooms. Too impatient to wait for the elevator, I ran down six flights of stairs, flew through the lobby without returning the doorman’s greeting, and fled into the street.

The temperature was hovering just above the freezing mark during this, the most miserable May on record, and I was wearing only slacks and a blouse. A few people stared at me, possibly wondering what the lady with the tears streaming down her face was doing pounding down the sidewalk without a coat. I ducked into the minimart on the corner and bought three packs of cigarettes.

I’d smoked my last cigarette shortly after I learned of my pregnancy, giving my final pack of Benson & Hedges a burial at sea, tossing them overboard and watching as they swirled and disappeared into the white wake of the barge engines. When they were gone, I turned from the railing and walked away, and that was that. I never experienced  withdrawal, never even thought about cigarettes after that day.

Now I was desperate for a smoke. My hands shook as I tore at the cellophane and paper packaging, pulled out a slender tube of tobacco, lit the end, and inhaled as quickly and deeply as I could, ravenous for nicotine and answers.

What had happened between this cigarette and my last? What had made my husband turn away from me and the promises we’d made to each other? What was I supposed to do with those promises now? And with my life?

It was cold and getting colder, but I didn’t want to go back to the apartment. I couldn’t. But I couldn’t keep walking around Manhattan with no coat and no plan either. I jogged two blocks to the parking garage and asked the attendant  to bring up our car. Five minutes later, I was behind the wheel and driving north.

I turned the heat on full blast while simultaneously cracking open the window, hoping to keep the smoke from smelling up the car. I opened the ashtray, a thing I’d never had occasion to do before, squashed my cigarette butt into the pristine little receptacle, and immediately lit up another. The nicotine, or perhaps the simple act of breathing deeply, calmed me.

But I still didn’t know what I was supposed to do next. I couldn’t just pick up my husband curbside at the United  terminal, kiss him hello, and pretend everything was all right. One look at Brian’s face and I knew I’d fall apart, sob and wail and end up looking pathetic and foolish—because I was. Because I’d never seen it coming.

I couldn’t face Brian, but I couldn’t just leave him waiting at the airport either. He’d be worried that something had happened  to me. Or, it occurred to me, he wouldn’t be worried. And that would be worse.

I rested my cigarette on the edge of the ashtray and started digging through my purse for my cell phone, keeping one eye on the road as I did so, knowing I was breaking a lot of very good laws. Brian was in the air at that moment. I could leave him a voicemail. But what would I say?

I needed a story . . . a burst pipe at the cottage? Having to run up to Connecticut to deal with the situation? He’d believe that; we’d had plumbing problems since day one. Once I was out of town, I could shut off my phone and ignore his calls for at least a day or two without arousing suspicion. Three years after we’d purchased the cottage, cell reception in New Bern was still spotty. I needed time by myself to figure out  what I was supposed  to do next—contact a lawyer, or do whatever it was people did when they got divorced.

Divorced.

Even after reading that letter—no,  memo—even then, it was hard to believe this was happening to me, to us.

Glancing in my rearview mirror to make sure the coast was clear of police cruisers, I hit Brian’s number on my speed dial, the first in the list, and waited for his voicemail to pick up. Except it didn’t. Brian did. He started talking even before I could get in a word.

“My connection is delayed—again.” He  groaned. “I honestly don’t know why I go through Chicago. Anyway, I’m at the gate, and they say we’ll be boarding in about a half hour, so, assuming they’re telling the truth, I should be home in time for dinner. Did you cook anything?”

“No, I—”

“Then let’s go out. Italian?”

“I can’t, sweet—” I started to call him “sweetheart.” The endearment is nearly automatic by now, but I stopped  myself. “I . . . I can’t pick you up either. You’ll have to get a cab. Drew texted me. . . . I’m driving up to Connecticut.”

“Don’t tell me,” he said in a resigned tone. “That  bloody furnace. I was hoping it’d last till spring. But why do you have to go up? Can’t you just call a repairman?”

The sound of his voice pulled me up short. He sounded so normal, as if nothing had changed between us.

Obviously we’d moved past the “tell me what you’re wearing” stage many years ago. This is what our conversations are like now. We talk about the kids, our schedules, our jobs, and . . . things like bills and broken furnaces. I never thought  that meant we were unhappy. The conversation wasn’t exciting, but discussing domestic details was just part of married life, wasn’t it? And, in a way, it made me feel secure. Obviously, I was wrong. Maybe I’d been  hearing what I wanted to hear all along.

“Not the furnace. It’s . . . a burst pipe. And there’s water in the . . .” I paused for a moment, took another  run at it, trying to launch into the story I’d rehearsed, but I couldn’t do it. I’m a terrible liar.

“The memo,” he repeated. I could almost hear the shrug in his voice. He had no idea what I was talking about. “What memo?”

“The memo,” I snapped. “The memo you wrote to me. Saying you’re unhappy in our marriage, that you had an affair and that you want a divorce.”

“You got into my computer? You read my documents?”

“Excuse me!” I shot back. “You’re angry with me? You wrote me a memo to tell me you’re divorcing me. A memo, Brian! Who does that?”

“I’m not divorcing you! I never sent it!”

“But you wrote it.”

“But I never sent it. After the wedding, I changed my mind. I realized what a mistake it was, all that  I’d be giving up, and so I deleted it. You must have opened up the trash folder somehow. I don’t know how you could have—”

He stopped, took in a big breath, and let it out in a long, deflated whoosh.

“Oh God, Gayla. I’m sorry. You have to believe me. I didn’t mean it.”

The lining of my throat felt thick. “You had an affair.”

He was quiet for a moment. “It wasn’t an affair so much as it was . . . a mistake. I thought about  telling you, but then, once I’d made up my mind to see things through, I realized that if I told you about it I’d only be doing it to salve my guilt. I never thought you’d have to know about it.”

“And that makes it okay?”

“Listen to me, Gayla. It’s over. I haven’t seen her since August. Or called her. That doesn’t make it all right, but it truly is over. I kept it from you because I hoped you’d never have to know. What would be the point in hurting you if it was over? But I have. And I’m sorry.”

“Who is she?” I spat, ignoring his apology.

“Just someone I met at the office. Gayla! It was three times. It didn’t—”

“Brian, if you tell me it didn’t mean anything, I swear I’m going to hang up! Because it did. It means you aren’t happy and you don’t love me anymore.”

“That’s not true.”

“You said you’re not happy. You even said we aren’t happy. You don’t get to decide that for me, Brian. Only I get to say if I’m happy or not, all right?” I swallowed hard, trying to keep my anger from dissolving into tears.

“Where are you now?” he asked. “Turn around and come home. I’ll get a cab from the airport and meet you at home. We need to talk about this. Please.”

“I can’t. Not today.”

He was quiet again, perhaps hoping I would say something.  I didn’t.

“Tomorrow I’ll rent a car and drive to Connecticut—”

“Don’t,” I said quickly. “I don’t want to see you right now. Maybe in a few days, but not now. Brian, I have to go. I forgot my Bluetooth, and there are cops everywhere. I’m going to get a ticket. I’ll call you in a couple of days.”

My thumb hovered over the end button on my cell but was stayed by the frantic sound of his voice.

“Gayla! Don’t hang up!” I waited, saying nothing. “I am so sorry.”

He waited for my response, hoping, I guess, perhaps  even expecting, that I would say what I always said: that I forgave him, that it didn’t matter, that everything was going to be all right. It was something I’d said often and easily in the last twenty-six years because it had been easy, because it had always been true. Until now.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t know what to say to my husband.

The rain was coming down in sheets and the visibility was so poor that I pulled off at a rest stop to wait for things to clear up.

I lit another cigarette, this time without bothering to crack open a window, no longer caring if the car smelled like smoke. My phone chirruped cheerily to announce an incoming call. I looked at the screen.

“Where are you?” she asked, raising her voice to be heard over a background buzz of voices and clinking glassware.

“I should have called. I’m sorry. Something came up—very last- minute. I’m driving up to Connecticut.”

“Connecticut? Now? Why are you . . . Hold on a minute.”

She put the phone down. I heard a scratchy static sound and a mumbled exchange with the bartender, something about extra olives. Lanie likes her martinis dirty.

When she returned she said, “Less than four hours ago you said you were going to meet me here, remember?”

“I know. I’m sorry. It was very last-minute, but I have to go to the cottage for the weekend—”

“The weekend? But you’re coming for brunch on Sunday. You are not canceling,” she said. It was a statement, not a question. “Not again. I already put in my catering order at Balthazar—goat cheese tart with caramelized onions, pastry basket, fruit platter, the works. You have to come.”

I screwed my eyes shut. Brunch with Lanie and Roger. I’d forgotten.

Brian hadn’t wanted to go, but I talked him into it. He doesn’t like Roger. I don’t like Roger either, but what can you do when your friends marry the wrong people? We’d begged off Lanie’s last three invitations. I couldn’t say no.

“Lanie. I’m so sorry. I know I promised, but I . . . I just can’t.” There was a brief pause, just long enough for her to swallow a mouthful of olive-infused gin. I braced myself, expecting an explosion, but she surprised me.

“Gayla,” she said, “something is wrong. Tell me.”

She was direct as always, but uncharacteristically gentle. It cut me to the quick. Between sobs, I told her everything, pouring out the whole story minute by minute, from the conversation with Sandy Tolland to pulling off the freeway to wait out the rain. A part of me thought it was a mistake, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“You’re kidding. Brian?” she asked, sounding genuinely disappointed. “I thought he was the last monogamous man on the planet. Damn. They really are all the same. Oh, my darling. I know it feels like your heart is breaking—believe me, I do—but you’ve got to pull yourself together. Time is of the essence. Gayla? Are you listening?”

Too choked up to speak, I sniffled. Lanie took that as a yes.

“Get out a pen and write this down,” she instructed me and began reciting a series of numbers.  “Libby Burrell is the best divorce lawyer in town, a barracuda. Call her right this second. She’ll still be at the office; she always is. Has no life at all.”

“Not now, Lanie. Not yet. I need time to think things through.”

“Gayla,” she said impatiently, “don’t be an idiot. If you want to avoid financial destruction, you have to act now. The best defense is a good offense, so beat him to the punch. Call Libby and get the ball rolling tonight. Forget that crap about arbitration;  there’s no such thing as an amicable divorce. After you talk to Libby, freeze all your credit cards. Remember how Bill ran up all our cards to the limit, buying jewelry for that slut?”

I did remember. Bill was Lanie’s first husband and a serial adulterer. It had taken years for her to clean up her credit scores.

“Then,” she continued, “you’ve got to get to the checking account before Brian does and transfer all the money into your personal account. Don’t wait until Monday; you can do it online.”

“I don’t have a personal account. Everything is held jointly.” She sighed heavily, as if such stupidity was not to be believed. “Okay. So on Monday, you go to the bank, open an account in your name, and transfer everything. You’ve got to do it first thing, Gayla, before Brian does. If he hasn’t already. Have you checked your balance today?”

I rubbed my eyes, trying to push away the pain that was forming behind the sockets.

“I think you’re jumping the gun. I haven’t made any decisions yet.”

“Haven’t made any decisions? Sweetie, you don’t get to decide. It’s a done thing. For crap’s sake, Gayla; he wrote you a memo.”

“But he didn’t send it. He says he changed his mind.”

“Gayla,” she said in a wearily patient tone. “Don’t be so naïve. He only said that because now he knows that you know. He knows that’s what you want to believe, so he’s using that to buy himself some time, so he can outflank you. It’s the same line that Simon fed me. . . .”

Simon was Lanie’s second husband, the personal trainer she met at her gym, the one she was married to for less than two years. The one she still paid alimony to.

“Brian’s not like that.”

There was a pause, a tinkle of ice, and a sigh.

“Gayla. Darling. I don’t mean to sound cruel, but given the situation, I think it’s safe to say that you don’t know what Brian is like.” I winced, cut by the accuracy of her statement. If I knew my husband as well as I thought I did, or even a little bit, shouldn’t I have seen this coming? But I still didn’t believe that Brian was trying to trick me. No matter what Lanie said, he wouldn’t do something so underhanded, and I told her so.

“Okay, fine. For the moment, let’s assume you’re right. Let’s assume he wanted a divorce but then he changed his mind. Gayla,” she said as quietly as she could while still making herself heard over the tinkle and hum of happy hour, “what’s to say that tomorrow he won’t change it again? Do you want to spend the rest of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop?”

My stomach lurched, responding to Lanie’s gift for summing up my most secret fears and saying them aloud. Fortunately, I’d already lost my lunch back at the apartment, so instead of throwing up again, I swallowed back the taste of bile and repeated my position. “I need time to think.”

“Fine,” she said, obviously irritated. “Take all you want. But don’t blame me if you wind up bankrupt and living in a fifth-floor walk-up.”

“I won’t,” I said, knowing that in spite of her heavy-handed approach, she really was concerned about me. “Thanks, Lanie.”

“Thanks yourself, Stubborn,” she said, her irritation abating slightly. “You’re just saying that because you know I’d never let that happen to you. No friend of mine is going to have to climb more than one flight of stairs to her front door. Worst case, you can always move into our guest room.”

I smiled. “You think Roger would be all right with that?”

“Who cares what Roger thinks? It’s my name on the mortgage. Learn from my example, lovey. Prenups. The avenue to lasting marital harmony. Speaking of Roger, I’m supposed to meet him for dinner. Are you going to be all right? I’ll call first thing tomorrow to see how you’re doing.”

Apart at the Seams: A Cobbled Court Quilts Novel
by by Marie Bostwick

• Genres: Fiction, Women's Fiction
• paperback: 336 pages
• Publisher: Kensington
• ISBN-10: 0758269307
• ISBN-13: 9780758269300